It would be easy for me to be bitter and angry regarding our current situation. Josh inquires nearly every day and frequently, multiple times on any given day, as to why this has happened to him. He has become very aware of the extra challenges he has as well as the limitations and restrictions on what would be “normal” childhood activities as a result of the hit-and-run he was a hurt in.
Looking at your child who has been hurt so badly, whose life has been altered so dramatically and to hear him, in his own words, question you daily as to why this happened, well, there is no good answer and it is frustrating . The frequent reminders bring you back to the event and how different our lives are, and are going to continue to be, as a result of the accident.
While being bitter or angry would be easy to do, it is also expensive. Horribly expensive.
The title of this post, “What You Hold, Holds You” can be more completely stated as “What you hold onto, also holds onto you (or binds you). This martial arts concept is something Master Dave McNeill shared during one of his visits here. He is a sage of a gentleman and as tough and resilient as he is kind and generous. A cancer survivor in his seventies he can run ragged most people half his age.
While this thought of “What you hold, holds you,” was a warning to be vigilant in understanding that you are actually bound to the other person just as much as he to you once you’ve gotten your hands on them, I believe the mental, emotional and intellectual implications are at least as significant.
If the saying is true, and I believe that it is, what a profound thought. Not paying attention to what you “hold onto” can have absolutely dire consequences for your life and eventually the lives of those around you.
The bitterness that I, or you, feel justified to hold on to is a poison pill that may not be easily retrieved or possibly even survived once you take it. In spite of the impulse to go to the negative there is literally no upside to it. Even though I feel twinges and sometimes lightning bolts that point me in the direction of the negative, most days I am deathly afraid to go there… to feed it. I know in my heart that if I go down that road, I may not be able to get off of it in the future.
I’m building momentum in the wrong direction if I feed that beast and as the momentum builds I run the risk of causing injury to myself. To my mind, my emotions, my body and my spirit. None of which can I afford to do. I just don’t have enough capacity to absorb all that negative and not have it effect the good things in my life.
It can be a struggle at times to not indulge in bitterness and anger even when it feels righteous.
I’m not saying that I’m never bitter or angry. There are days my head is buried in my hands because my heart is broken seeing my boy challenged in this way. It is a constant battle to keep my thinking pointed in a healthy direction. The daily reminders that I see in Josh’s challenges to even put a shoe on, to attempt to read anything above first grade level when he is heading into eighth grade or for him to try to stand still without tipping over challenges me spiritually as well as emotionally.
That being said, and I mean this with all of my soul, I love my kid and life is good!
Anything you’re holding onto that might be hurting you or those around you?